The Things We Lost
by RunningInThePouringRain
Summary: This Cas looked as lost and broken as he felt, the scruffy beard and messy hair reminding him too much of the Cas in 2014, drugged up and drinking to block everything out. Dean never wanted to see Cas like that, he couldn't take the twisting of his gut at the thought. But even when Cas was like that, so screwed up and lost, he still chose Dean.


Hey everyone! A little destiel one-shot set between season 7 and season 8 while Dean and Cas are in purgatory, kind of fits back into canon though!

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Dean's first thought when he opened his eyes for the first time in the lifeless wasteland that was purgatory was Cas. It wasn't a big epiphany about the angel but a gut churning need to find him, a reassurance that Cas was okay. Dean didn't like to admit the alternative caused fear to bubble up inside, a kind of pure fear he hadn't felt since Hell.

So that was the first thing Dean did once the sickening feeling in his stomach passed and every creature drawn to his location was lying on the floor. He went in search of Cas. He had no idea where the angel was or if he was still alive, all Dean knew was after all the times Cas had saved his ass over the years it was about damn time to return the favour.

He walked for hours, days even. It was hard to tell, time in purgatory seemed to be at a standstill and Dean didn't even know what direction he was walking in, let alone the date and time. It didn't matter to him though, nothing mattered but Cas. Even as he killed demons, leviathan and god knows what else, even when blood stained his skin and dirt streaked his face, Dean's only thought, only need was to get to Cas. That was how it started, the niggling in the back of his mind that maybe Cas was more to him. More than a friend, different to a brother.

He was Cas. Dean's Cas. His angel.

And really he should have seen it coming.

All those looks and intense stare offs, all the deep conversations that got as close to a 'chick-flick moment' as Dean allowed himself to get. Cas was the exception to every rule Dean had. He accepted Cas as family, died for him, killed for him and would happily do it again. Even after everything they had been through Cas still chose him, had always chosen him and Dean hated it. He hated how highly Cas thought of him. He was Dean Winchester, he was messed up and broken and okay maybe Cas wasn't perfect but he sure as hell deserved better in life than Dean.

On some level purgatory was worse than Hell. At least in Hell Dean could feel pain, the torture reminding him that in one way or another he was still alive, even if he wished he wasn't. Purgatory was different, everything was numb there, even the landscape which had a lack of colour, everything bleeding into a dull grey.

Dean didn't feel anything or maybe he did and had blocked it out. Loss consuming him as he became more frantic in his search for Cas. They had gotten out of hell and maybe, just maybe, they could find a way out of purgatory too.

In reality, Dean needed something to cling onto because he was tired of doing it by himself and having everyone around him die anyway. Hell broke his soul but purgatory had taken the rest without Dean even knowing about it and now he needed someone to pull him back from the metaphorical ledge he was on.

That person had always been Cas.

He didn't even care if he made it out alive anymore, all Dean wanted was to see Cas again. To watch the way he cocked his head to the side when he didn't understand a pop culture reference Dean had used. To see him in his holy tax accountant get up, smiting people down with a touch, the same touch that had healed Dean's very soul more than once. To get lost in those impossibly blue eyes of his that always flicked with emotions Dean wasn't sure Cas fully understood yet.

Dean didn't know how long it had been or how many things he had killed before one of them talked. A worthless demon who looked like he had been in purgatory longer than Dean had been alive who mentioned the angel down by the river.

It was a long shot but it was the only shot Dean had gotten in weeks.

It took him hours to get to the river, still the same lack of colour as the rest of purgatory but there seemed a weird sense of calm and Dean could instantly see why Cas would be drawn to it. The angel wasn't hard to spot, crouching down by the river in his tattered scrubs and trench coat, scruffy face in his hands and Dean frozen.

This Cas looked as lost and broken as he felt, the scruffy beard and messy hair reminding him too much of the Cas in 2014, drugged up and drinking to block everything out. Dean never wanted to see Cas like that, he couldn't take the twisting of his gut at the thought. But even when Cas was like that, so screwed up and lost, he still chose Dean.

The end of the freaking world and Cas was still right by his side.

The angel noticed him then, large wide eyes snapping up to meet Dean's. The relief and happiness that flooded Dean's body took him by surprise, maybe it wasn't purgatory that made everything numb, maybe it was losing Cas.

Castiel stood slowly, almost like he wasn't sure if Dean was real or just a trick of his imagination. Dean couldn't blame him, he saw Cas' face every time he tried to close his eyes. Dean wasn't sure when they had taken the steps closer to each other but somehow they were only a step away from each other now, the proximity making Dean feel safe and terrified at the same time.

"Dean?" Cas asked, unsure, a cautious hand reaching out to grab the edge of Dean's jacket.

Dean couldn't help the smile that broke out across his face, this was Cas, his Cas. "Hey, Cas." It was easy, natural and felt damn good to say.

The hug that followed was definitely Dean's favourite part of their reunion, he crushed Cas to him with everything he had, clinging onto the angel for everything he was worth because the thought of having lost him was making it painful for him to breathe and for the first time in like a month Dean finally had confirmation. Cas' hug was just as fierce, his arms tight around Dean's back and Dean could practically feel him relax against the solid frame.

Everything changed when he found Cas. It wasn't just fighting for himself now, he was fighting for Cas, to get home and everything he never even thought he wanted. They became a safe haven to each other during the weeks that followed, even after finding a small cave for shelter because it even rained in purgatory.

It was one night, the downpour hammering above them as they sat with their back against the wall of the cave that Cas told him what was on his mind, his eyes not meeting Dean's but his voice was a sharp as the rain.

"I don't have my grace." He said, a sigh of exhaustion following the statement.

Dean turned to look at him then, "What, like you're cut off?"

"I feel something there but it is weak. I can't heal or use my wings here."

"All the more reason to get home, get you juiced up again." Dean said with a small laugh.

Cas simply shook his head, "I do not have a home, Dean. I do not deserve one after all I have done. Not on Heaven or on Earth with you and Sam."

"So you screwed up, Cas. Everyone does, I've done it more times than I can count. We can fix this." Dean vowed because he had never seen Cas look this defeated and it scared the crap out of him.

"I am starting to believe that it is beyond repair." Cas admitted, "I feel things I never thought I would feel, not all of them are good. I killed as many in Heaven as I did on Earth, I belong here."

Dean's heart stopped, "Don't you dare." He demanded, pushing off the wall to stand, "You don't get to check out here, Cas. You're no more broken than the rest of us. We need you. I need you, Cas."

"You… need me?"

"So much that it scares me some times." Dean hated himself for the chick flick moment he knew was folding, "Maybe I'm screwed up, maybe I'll never be any different than the mess I am now but, Jesus Cas, I need you to save me because god knows I'm too stubborn to save myself."

The corner of Cas' mouth tugged up into a smile then, "You are very stubborn." He commented.

Dean laughed and it felt even better when Cas' deep voice joined his own, "You've always got a home with me, I don't care what you've done. We'll fix it, Cas. It's what we do."

It was a shock, not an unwelcome one, when Cas captured Dean's lips with his own. The kiss was rough, Cas' beard scratching at Dean's stubble but it was the best Dean could ever remember feeling. Cas pulled back slightly, a little shy, like he was seeing Dean's reaction to what he had just done. Dean's only response was to grab the back of Cas' head, their lips meeting for a second time.

Their first time wasn't slow or gentle. It was passionate and rough, the need to feel each other and remind themselves they weren't alone as they pulled at each other's clothes, rough hands exploring new skin as Dean guided Cas to the floor with a moan. He covered Cas' body with his own no more than a second later.

It was hours later when they were wrapped up together, legs tangled, Cas' head against Dean's shoulder that Dean vowed to himself he would do whatever it takes to get them home, both of them. He didn't exactly know what was happening with him and Cas but he knew it felt damn good and he wanted more and right now that was enough. He didn't need to complicate things by thinking too much about everything. He had Cas and that was enough, that was more than enough and everything else Dean decided he could deal with later.

They spent the next two months looking for a way home, enjoying the developments in their relationship at the same time. It wasn't much different to the relationship they had before except now most intense eye stares resulted in very hot sex and spooning which Dean would never admit he secretly loved. It felt nice, being close to Cas. Feeling him curled up in Dean's arms as he slept, it made Dean sleep better to know that Cas was safe.

As it turned out purgatory had an escape route, a portal of sorts that allowed them to get back home, the whole thing made Dean more determined, it was the first real chance they had in months to get back. The closer they got to the portal though the more Cas seemed to pull away. Dean knew why, he had held Cas through the nightmares of killing his brothers and sisters more than once, whispered comforting things into his ear until he stopped shaking.

Dean was convinced he just needed to get Cas out of there, back home to prove to him nothing was going to change and although Cas never said anything Dean knew the angel didn't think he deserve to get out of purgatory. Dean knew that was a bunch of crap though, Cas didn't deserve to be in a demon wasteland and he was determined to make him see that even if he couldn't do it for himself.

So Dean distracted him, took his mind off where they were heading and what the plan was with passionate kisses and suggestive touches which always turned into something more because they had been avoiding this for years and it was too late to stop it now.

If Cas ever caught on to what Dean was doing he never said.

Everything was working fine until they reach the portal, Dean went first with Cas following closely behind him and for a moment Dean thought he had actually gotten through to his angel. Then Cas tripped and his only lifeline was the tight grip Dean had of his hand.

The look in Cas' eyes told him everything he needed to know.

"I'm not leaving here without you." Dean insisted, "Come on, Cas."

"Dean, go. You have to go."

Dean shook his head, "I'm not leaving you here, I need you Cas. Please, I need you." He had never begged anyone in his life, but he had experienced the feeling of losing Cas and it hurt. It hurt like Hell.

"I love you, Dean." Was the last thing he heard before Cas let go and Dean was shoved through the portal.

When Dean opened his eyes again everything seemed too bright after the dullness of purgatory. He looked to his side, Cas wasn't there. The one time he had left Dean's side was the one time Dean realised how much he needed him.

"I love you, Cas." He whispered, closing his eyes again. He groaned then, his hands clenching into fists as he banged against the ground below him, "Damn it, I love you."

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Thoughts/feelings? First destiel, more angst then I was planning on!

Please review! Hope you liked it!

Thanks!


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